So yeah. That didn't work out. Oh well. What can you do?

The fact that I'm not that upset about it is very telling. I'm disappointed, sure, but I'm good. Of course, that's today. Might not be real enough yet or it might not have been that big of a shock.

I kind of knew already. I'm wearing my favorite Star Trek red "Expendable" shirt to clean today. I found it in a drawer when I was doing some clutter reduction. I've been getting more and more of that done lately.

Speaking of getting stuff done - later kids.

Yeah, I know. It's a bit sudden. Considering everything, it's kind of an odd turn of events.

His name is Tom. I "met" him at the game I play. I know, but this time it's different. He's not married. He's really sweet and he's willing to be patient. No, we have not met in person, but we're working on that. Why did I change my status so soon? Because we decided we were going to see how we liked a commitment. So far, it's pretty awesome. I haven't had an official boyfriend since the early 90s.

Tom works at a bowling alley and loves it. Yes, I warned him that I'm hopeless at bowling. He's trying to get past it. Luckily he's got really short hair so he won't be able to yank it out if he ever tries to teach me.

I don't even know what to say. He lives not too far away, but not close enough as is always the case. I think this is good. I think it'll let us get to know each other without having to worry about physical stuff making it awkward before we're ready.

So yeah, 2013 is looking up for me. I had a feeling that this would be the little year that could even if it did start off fucked up.

Still no word on the house. Jake's play is next weekend. I can hardly wait. It should be awesome. I'm still losing weight. It's pretty fricken sweet.

Right now though, I've got stuff to do. Happy trails, kids.

So yeah, it's been a month. That's how long I needed to pull myself out of my woe is me. Things haven't changed much. I'm still waiting for the bank to take their heads out of their collective asses. I'm not concerned about the mortgage because I need a new roof (that's another WTF, previous owner? that I'm not even going to bother with explaining). If the bank wants my house, there's places to rent for less that I won't have to repair all the time. I'm just going to keep paying my bills and see where the wind takes that. It's supposed to storm pretty bad later so maybe the wind will Literally take the problem away.

In the social part of my life (not love life because not going there for a while), I've been chatting politics with an Anthropologist in Romania. He's also trying to improve my French and tutoring me on all things comic book. I'm tutoring him on where the sun is sunniest and sand is loveliest for vacations. He really needs to lighten up and let go. It's new and I'm not sure what his angle is yet.

Of course my life would be considerable less chaotic if I wasn't always trying to analyze people and their angles. Curse you, Purdue University, and your fucking Psychological Studies program. If I want to analyze people I should suck it up and finish my degree so I can legally tell people to skip off to namby-pamby land and find some self confidence, jackhole.

I'm still only down 40 pounds, but that's because I'm getting all muscle-y and shit. I'm down three pants sizes and none of my clothes fit. I un-earthed some of my old bras. My fear of my boobs dissolving before my ass gets down to a less ginormous proportion has been laid to rest. I'm down two band sizes, but up a cup. Look at these bad boys, my man.

I've managed to get my sister to back off on her match making. She no longer drags me to Bingo, but she's still pressuring me for karaoke. The evil older sister who spent the first fifteen years of my life telling me I couldn't sing (she stopped torturing me when she had kids of her own to torture) is trying to get me to sing. I can't sing. Anyone who has ever gone anywhere with me where Captain Morgan was involved can attest to my lack of singing voice. How making a complete jackass out of myself will attracted a barely literate drunken backwoods redneck to fall madly in love with me is beyond my comprehension. Then there's the obvious problem with me and my aversion to barely literate drunken backwoods rednecks to contend with on top of that difficulty. I'm doomed. I'm all David Banner like that. (see what I did there?)

With the exception of my politically passionate Romanian, I'm avoiding being social on my favorite game site. There's so much childish, back-stabby, middle school popular girl fighting going on by people far older than me that it's not worth my time or effort. I told my...I don't know what to call him...ex-special friend?... there happy birthday a month ago and haven't spoken to him since. I saw one of those rude cards on Facebook that actually had some resonance with me. I miss the person he pretended to be, but I'm getting over that. I may be completely over it, but I don't want to devote any more time to navel gazing over that or him. I've tried apologizing for slights real and imagined to a couple of people over there, but it just ended in gigantic hissy fits and bullies pretending to be victims. Evidently you can get to fifty without ever moving past the cool kids in the lunchroom mentality from junior high and when someone treats you as an adult and tries to resolve a conflict in a respectful way, it's threatening. Who knew?

Work is work. I've been writing more, but am reluctant to send anything off. I need a confidence boost and I can't seem to find one. I got knocked pretty far down the self-esteem ladder this winter. Since I've been to the bottom of that ladder, i know it's possible to get out, but I'm still not high enough to take a chance. I'll keep climbing.

I've been reading posts, but not responding. I'm sorry, friends, but like I said, I'm still working on getting myself positive. It's selfish, I know, but I don't have much positive to spare these days. If this says anything, i was really stoked that I got my oil changed the other day. It meant that I did more than drag myself out of bed to go to work and the gym. It was a baby step toward being a better friend to all of you (that may not make sense to anyone but me, but it's true).

Back to the house, I also planted some bulbs and three bushes and mulched the bejezus out of my flowerbeds. The yard got pretty ratty when I was recovering from my surgery last year. Not going to be the ugliest house on the block again this year. Unless my roof blows off then I'll be back to square one. I bought a new lawn mower because Jake said the old one was broken. My dad came over and it took him all of two minutes to fix the old one. Now I have two working lawn mowers. Maybe if I keep getting stronger I'll be able to handle one of those monsters myself. Don't hold your breath.

I haven't seen Mike since Christmas. I've gotten lots of texts from the ex wondering how I managed to live with Mike for nineteen years without killing him. I just explained that after living with him (the ex) for almost ten years, Mike was a walk in the park. I think they have it tougher because they are EXACTLY alike temperament wise. You always clash the hardest with the person who embodies all the things you dislike about yourself. Jim recently admitted that I was a saint for not stabbing him to death in his sleep instead of just divorcing him. I'd say maturity brings wisdom in his case, but he's getting married again to the next door neighbor of the woman he dumped two days after Christmas without warning. I should get life insurance on him now before he moves back to the 'hood.

Jake is staring in "The Iliad, The Odyssey, and All of Greek Mythology in 99 Minutes or Less" next month. I really can't wait to see it. He comes home and tells me about the ad libs they're putting in and how much fun they're having. He's already memorized all his lines. I'm not even sure how many of the characters he's playing, but i know Zeus and Achilles for sure. It should be awesome.

I've been writing this for an hour. I really need to get some work done before somebody notices I haven't moved a single piece of paper on my desk for an hour. Thank you for all the support and understanding on my last post. It helped me more than you can possibly imagine even though I was too down to respond to each of you the way I wanted. *HUGS*

Life just keeps kicking me. Last night after I insulted a friend via text message by saying I knew he wasn't attracted to me because I was fat, a man attacked me in the Walmart parking lot for not putting my cart away to his satisfaction. And I mean physically attacked me. He was yelling. I was ignoring him. I got in my car so he blocked my car in and beat on my window until I rolled it down then hit me in the face. The only thing I said to him was "thank you" when he asked me if I wanted him to put my cart away for me so that one I know wasn't my fault other than not feeling like putting my cart away.

I got Influenza A and spent last week in bed. My boss had been passive aggressive toward me all day yesterday.

Not everyone knows but I had a weird love related thing that didn't work out the way I'd hoped. I knew the whole thing was a fantasy to start with, but it got too real and then it got too weird. I'd hoped for a friend, but that person has disappointed me. I can't understand why guys just don't use their words especially when I flat out say "you're just saying you want to stay friends because you don't want me to think badly of you." That's a direct quote. I said that. The reply "oh no, no, I care about you and I miss you, but I just can't juggle life right now." That's not a direct quote, but it's close enough. He can juggle everyone but me just fine which I wouldn't care about so much if he'd just been honest about it. Why don't people take outs when they're offered? It just makes me look like an idiot to everyone he tells he can't talk in certain places because I might see and get upset. Like I give a fuck. So much for friends. Yeah, I'd get upset, but it wouldn't be because I'm dying of love. I'd get upset because I was lied to and disappointed that after all the time and effort I put in, he's still determined to flush his life down the toilet for imaginary ass on the internet. I know in my heart (and I have no proof, but I know) that he stopped wanting to talk to me because of the way I look. He told me he got stressed out when he couldn't talk to me, but as soon as someone got a picture of me to him, it was over. That was for the best though. Can't live a fantasy.

I want to say completely unrelated to that last paragraph I feel alone, but that's not entirely true. While I never would consider a real relationship with someone who thinks it's okay to cheat on their wife online (he thinks it's not cheating if no one meets), the guy made me look at my life and notice for the first time that I wasn't okay with being alone for the rest of my life the way I thought I was. Up until December, I was awesome with my single status. Then for almost a month, some dick pretended to care about me from four to ten hours a day everyday and now I want a real guy to care. I don't know if I should thank the prick or curse him.

Then there was the guy who cared too much who drove me nuts and made me feel bad about myself for not liking him more, but that's not the problem today.

Last night being sick, feeling alone, my boss, being behind on my mortgage, and the jerk in the parking lot backed up on me in a way that I haven't considered since March 19, 1998. I was a danger to myself last night and I was alone with a whole host of pills and half a bottle of codeine cough medicine. Lucky for me I was too exhausted to get out of bed and I'm not as selfish now as I was in 1998. I'm at work. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I think my most dangerous thought was when I wished I'd never gotten divorced. My ex would surely have killed me years ago, but I wouldn't have been alone. That's actually my biggest fear - I'll convince him to take me back. Probably wouldn't take much. He always said I was his first best destiny and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. What a mess.

I've been looking at my eating habits the last two months and I'm noticing that I've already been endangering myself that way. I don't blame anyone for my insecurities, but I am so close to starving myself to try and make myself feel worthy again. I've lost 40 pounds. I need to lose a lot more, but I've got enough knowledge to know I'm thinking and acting like someone with an eating disorder on top of the depression that's nearly killing me.

I feel like such a big baby right now. Guys acting like guys act shouldn't send me into a tailspin of starving myself and cowering in my bedroom. No, there isn't anybody locally I can talk to. Small towns don't have the resources. I'm not even sure why I put all this down here. I'm not crying for help. Some days the weight of having to slog through another gray day is just too much to bear. I guess I was hoping to put some of the weight down here and leave it behind. Doesn't feel like it's working. Oh well. Tomorrow maybe.

I was doing so well with the writing every day thing. I wish I could say I screwed up because I was doing other more productive things, but no. Well that's not entirely true...no, it's true. I didn't do much productive.

I wrote a tiny bit on a new WIP. I abandoned my NaNo, but I really want to go back to that. Maybe if I can get myself together tomorrow I will. I didn't do enough to justify not writing here.

I did write a few posts that were just for me so if there's something you can't read, it's not you. Some things I need to write down for me and no one else. Remember the old axiom? Write for yourself first? That's what I was doing. Okay, no, I wasn't. I was bitching, moaning, whining, and woe-is-meing, but it was healthy so go me. It helped me work out a few things in my head and my heart. I've got some more things to work out so expect the locked posts to be more multiple than these happy roller coaster rides.

I went to church a couple of weeks ago for the first time since God was sneaking cigs back behind the bleachers in high school (not that long ago, but might as well have been). I signed up for a weight loss class. I overslept last Sunday. I went to the weight loss class. I discovered the most yummy mint chocolate ice cream flavor in the history of woe and damn. OM fricken G. So good. No, not on the new diet. It's the first week. It was just one bowl and it's been a long ass week. As Scarlett would say I'll think about that tomorrow. I lost 25 pounds between December 1 and last night. I'm ahead of the game. I'm not sure it's going to work out. This guy wants me to stop drinking Diet Coke. Yes, I did ask him if there were any medications that he was on that I should know about or if he'd like suggestions of some I think he would find beneficial. You can have my Diet Coke when you pry the empty can from my cold, dead hands.

I have a massive to do list for tomorrow. I figure I'll sleep in, Just thinking about it makes me tired.

One of my lovely coworkers informed us that he has Influenza A. He has a nice face mask to keep others from getting infected. Evidently the face mask is retroactively effective because none of us could have possibly caught his germs any other days of the week that he's been sneezing and coughing over every surface in the building. No, I did not get a flu shot. Every time I get the flu shot, I get the flu and end up delirious in bed being forced to watch a Harry Potter marathon by Jake. I just recently started going days at a time without the little bastard from popping up at every turn. I'm not inviting that madness back again. If any of you hear that I'm sick and that I'm at Jake's mercy again, please, kill Titus.*

I'm still mulling over my vacation plans. I'd like to take the next three weeks off, but that would make for a very long year. Also my boss knows where I live since he had to come get me when my car was in the snow drift. I wouldn't get any peace at home. I may take a week the first of February or maybe a week in March.

Happy news! Mike broke up with his girlfriend so she will not be moving in with him and his dad. Honestly, I just cannot even begin to fathom any of that. What the hell were all three of them thinking? Just to keep you up on all the drama, the ex is now dating his ex-girlfriend's next door neighbor. Oh yeah, I married that. If I could go back in time, I would shake myself until young me's eyeballs popped out. What the ever loving fuck was I thinking? Oh yeah, I wasn't. Freedom is sweet.

Anywho.... All things considered, I'm doing pretty good. It might be the ice cream talking, but I'm feeling mellow tonight. I might find a good book on my Kindle and snuggle up with a dream. Good night, friends.



*You mean to tell me you haven't seen Christopher Titus's Comedy Central special? You poor, sad soul.

I am going to go to church this weekend. I don't know what church I'm going to go to, but yeah. Why? Because it's time for me to stop living alone in a cave and it was either a church or a bar. Lesser of two evils I think is the church. I've tried the internet things and they have some success. I've met some interesting people. I've made a really good friend. I've met people I have a lot in common with, but they tend to live hell and yon away from here.

My goal for 2013 is to make more good friends and maybe find someone in my vicinity that I have a lot in common with who doesn't mind cats, mutantly large children, and a mutantly large dog. It's a little scary. I've recently been made to face the fact that I do in fact have a heart and not a broken block of ice in my chest I thought was there in its place.

Plus church is free and I've gone and got myself into mortgage trouble again. Free is the only thing in my price range at the moment. I may be looking at moving home with the parents if a miracle doesn't happen soon. I'm working with my lender, but the furnace debacle may have put the final nail in the coffin. I need all four paychecks for this month by Tuesday or my lender to let me make my December payment only and the January payment in two weeks. Neither are going to happen. I'm trying to renegotiate a better payment plan with my lender. I need to get all the paperwork together and write a letter explaining everything. Since I have a valid reason they may be sympathetic. Here's hoping.

Working tomorrow as per January. Gotta do the year end taxes and run W2s. Maybe I can get my taxes filed and they'll send me twice as much as I should be getting just because they like me. Yeah, that'll happen. With Mike gone I have no idea how that will move the needle on my refund amount. The new furnace gets an energy credit! Woot! Woot! Okay, no. I didn't need the exclamation points, but I'm trying to be peppy and up. Go with it.

Time to get back to work. I have done next to nothing today and didn't really have any fun to speak of to explain the lost time. Have fun, kids. I'm going to try too.

I started my day way too early and still managed to get to work late. Not complaining though. Why? Because EVERYBODY at work has that one covered. I couldn't get a word in to complain if I wanted. I know what the day at work is going to bring - lots of bitching and moaning to the one person who can't do anything about any of it namely me. Oh well.

Let's see what else... eye doctor on Monday. Work today and tomorrow. Still no vacation plans to look forward to yet.

You see this is why I don't post every day anymore. Day to day life is so... day to day. Unless I have something to bitch about or wax rhapsodic about, I'm dull as watching paint dry.

I went to bed super early last night. First time in a while. I only woke up twice and the second time I stayed up. One bad dream surrounded by a lot of good ones so not complaining. What were my good dreams? Buy the book when (if) it comes out.

Boss came to work so maybe I'll be more interesting later. If not, see you tomorrow *snaps fingers, stomps floor, and turns around 3 times to ward off jinxing herself*

I almost got out of the habit of writing every day already! I'd say I suck, but I'd be lying. Anyway as of this minute I'm not out of the habit. I got up late this morning and contemplated staying home so ever since I decided to drag my ass into the office everything has been taking longer to get done.

I've snapped out of my funk somewhat. I'm just really really really tired. Stayed up too late last night and the night before and the night before. I know, but if I put parental controls on my computer I'll just bypass them. I'm all R2D2 that way.

Everybody's been posting about love on Facebook. A friend from high school keeps posting stuff like this:

Find someone who isn't afraid to admit that they miss you. Someone who knows that you're not perfect, but treats you as if you are. Someone who's biggest fear is losing you. Someone who gives their heart completely. Someone who says "I love you" and means it.
Last but not the least, find someone who wouldn't mind waking up with you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles and your gray hair but still falls in love with you all over again.

It's not about what happened, it's about how what happened changed you. Did you grow from the hurt or did you give up? Your pain can be your oppressor or it can be the fuel that propels you into your destiny.

and this:( Picture pagesCollapse )
Add to that my brother - my own brother who's on his 29th chemo round and had good scans last week sorry I didn't post that earlier - posted this little gem:
( Can you believe this?Collapse )
Other people have been posting this lovey stuff too. All within hours of each other. Where did the month of bitter cold between Christmas and Valentine's Day go? And also where have I put my tin foil hat? Love's never treated me kindly and all these reminders so close to the loviest, doviest of days has really thrown me for a loop. The people posting this stuff don't know each other. They only have me in common. It's creepy.

I stayed up way too late last night contemplating the universe and how it likes to fuck with me. Yeah, i said it and I'll use more dirty words if I want to - you know just don't tell my mom.

Back to work for me. Please feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

I'm going to get in trouble for this, but all women are damsels in distress. We've all got something we can't handle on our own. We've all got things we can't do without assistance. We all need a white knight to save us at some point. It's not big things all the time. My distresses are mostly to do with high shelves and spiders. Or at least those are the ones that happen day to day.

Our first white knight is usually our daddy. Sometimes it's mom, but for me it was always if there's a problem dad will fix it. As we grow older then the knight role shifts to mom for emotions and the T.M.I. about our bodies that nobody wants to read about. Then there's that dreamy guy on the football team, then the musician who looks like 50s Elvis in the leather jacket, then the geek who thinks it's cool we like Star Trek. They drive us around in there car. They open doors. They takes us to dinner and a movie. They make the mean girls jealous.

Then there's the most important thing we want them to do. We want them there to save us from some part of ourselves we can't face on our own. That's right. They save us from some part of ourselves. Problem is they're men (in my case - I know there are those that prefer women in shining armor, but I gotta go with what I know). Men only see the surface distress. They only see us struggling to get the Special K off the top shelf. They only see us standing on a chair screaming "Thomas! Thomas! There's that mouse again!"*

Now there are levels of self doubt that range from the pouting to full on heatbreak. When it's a box on a shelf or a spider coming along and sitting right down beside us, eventually we can get ourselves up to the challenge. We doubt our choices in jobs, cars, places to live, school, kids, everything. Sometimes though it involves our special Lancemealot and that is the worst kind. It gets in our heart and roots around in there looking for the most tender spots, replaying every single time mom told us to be careful or we'll get fat and no one will ever love us. The other dragons we can control, but when it comes to whether or not we should order the crazy cat lady starter pack, it gets bad. We can't control it and we need that white knight and he, being a man, can't understand what the big deal is.

They can't see us doubting ourselves. They don't see that once they make us feel special they need to keep making us feel special or make us doubt we were ever really special at all. That self doubt is the biggest dragon of them all and unfortunately it's only visible to the damsel and not the knight until it's too late. It's a stealthy fucker that will eat your white knight before he gets his loins girded.

The reactions have different levels to from "I think you take me for granted" to "I hate you! I hate you! You pig!"** Most of the former take place after you're used to knights missing the point. The latter take place mostly (god willing) in teens and twenties when EVERYTHING is srs bizniz.

Now I know how to get by without a white knight. I don't even want one around leaving his dirty socks on the floor and the toilet seat up on a daily basis. I'm good on my own. Women are strong and powerful and they can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan without any help from Charlie or taking time to make anyone feel like a man.*** They're nice to have though even when they leave dirty socks on the floor. They're warm and they're cuddly and they have the power to turn frowns upside down when our egos need a stroke. They can make us feel like we're special when the world drags us down.

It feels good to be special. It's addicting. It's powerful. It's vulnerable and let's that doubt dragon off the chain when the white knight is playing XBox instead of asking how was your day and do I smell bacon? The doubt creeps in and we start wondering if he ever really wanted to save us in the first place. We start thinking we were just another mission of daring to add to his legend. We start wondering how many other damsels jumped on the back of that steed and said let's ride, cowboy. We wonder if that playlist is on several other damsel's iPod because it works every time. We believe we were too easy or not easy enough. We analyze. We cry to our other damsels and ask if our bacon is too crisp or not crispy enough.****

Sometimes I think I'm the dragon. That's a dangerous prospect with white knights running around. Caring is like handing the knight Excalibur and drawing a target on my heart. Maybe that's all our problem. Maybe the dragon doesn't eat the knight but we give him the tools to gut us then wonder why he did it. When I started this little treatise into being vulnerable it didn't occur to me that maybe we're the architect of our own destruction, but if you think about it it makes sense.

That said, we can't stop flying around handing out swords. We can't stop caring. We can't stop being vulnerable. We just need to pick our white knights more carefully. I'm also thinking I need, personally, to stop being so hard on the knights who have failed me and more importantly stop being so hard on myself. The knights didn't fail. They hit the mark I painted for them. I need to figure out how to keep my dragon in check so I don't get slain anymore while still not hiding in my cave all the time.

Also I need breakfast. All this bacon talk....


*If you didn't watch Tom & Jerry as a kid, you should sue your parents for neglect
**If you haven't seen Soapdish, you're neglecting yourself
***A commercial! Geez you kids need to learn your 70s and 80s pop culture
****No, I didn't eat breakfast. Why do you ask?

Yay. Tax season. Not doing taxes this year. I mean it this time. I'm going to get "NO" temporary tattooed on my forehead. Hell I may even have someone else do mine. Okay. Okay. I know. I won't try to lie like that again...for a while.

Boss hasn't shown up yet. He may not be in at all today. Here's hoping.

I got some house clean-y like stuff done yesterday. I may even start clearing out more of the dead weight blocking the feng shui in the basement. Yes, I did get new meds and I've been taking them for a change. Why do you ask? Time release, baby. Oh yeah. Amazing what going to a real doctor can do for a body.

I haven't decided what to do with myself this year aside from drag my ass out of bed and go to work every day. I need something to look forward to, but as usual budget is tight. I'm taking my three weeks of vacation this year if it kills my boss. Last year I used them for letting the real doctors practice using their claw machine and the year before that was the I'm on a MF'n Boat Birthday Cruise. Maybe I'll take one of those of my own. July in the Caribbean isn't always a fun place to be though. Plus there's that whole "no money" thing going on.

Jake wants to go to the ocean and let's face it so do I. Maybe Virginia or a Carolina? And what would we do with the Peanut? Cats are easy - auto-feeder, auto-waterer, clean litter box and set. I left Peanut outside during my lunch hour once and she chewed the spindles out of the back porch stair rail in protest. Smart dogs are a blessing and a curse. My sister would love to have her, but I might not get her back. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one.

Everything's up in the air right now including me. I wonder if the fall will be worth the thud when I hit the ground.

Yeah. Probably.