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Better or Bitter?

One year ago today I met the person I can't seem to forget no matter how hard I try. Nothing serious or memorable happened, we just were in the same place at the same time. I quoted something from Airplane! and he said it was one of his favorite movies. We talked about movies for a couple of hours then he had some "work stuff" to do. I didn't know it then, but his "work stuff" was jump in a helicopter to shoot bad guys. He wasn't allowed to talk about any of that and he didn't want to so I didn't know what he did for a living until a few days later.

Our first private conversation was on the 26th and by then we were both addicted or at least I was and he said he was. It started badly and ended badly I see now in hindsight. You want to say you would do things differently and you want to believe you'd do the right thing, but I don't think I can tell myself that big a lie. It was wrong from word one until it all exploded so spectacularly in my face, but the only thing I would do differently is be more honest about how sad it made me when he was with the others and how incredibly jealous I was instead of encouraging him to talk to the others in an attempt to shield my heart. I keep typing the word "maybe" and backspacing it out. I can't go down the rabbit hole that far. I'm too far in it as it is. I cannot for my own sanity keep trying to figure out ways I could have acted to keep doing the incredibly WRONG thing I was doing.

This day a year ago, I didn't know he was married. I didn't know how much he was going to get inside my head and my heart. I didn't know anything and some days I wish I'd kept it that way. Unfortunately most days I don't. Most days I want to know more. I keep thinking that it would be easier if I knew what he looked like. I'd like to know I could share a fond smile and nod if we ever passed each other silently on a street somewhere. The odds of that ever happening are less likely than getting hit by lightening on a clear sunny day, but it's still the one thing I wish I'd gotten as a consolation.

So am I better or bitter for remembering this turning point? I think I'm better. The only bitterness I think is directed toward myself and the way I acted. I still wish him well. I hope he's safe and that he's still taking his marriage counseling seriously(which in my defense I talked him into getting). I like to think he wishes me well too. So no I'm not bitter. Bittersweet.

One of the things I would have done differently is that I would leave well enough alone. That's what I'm going to do today. He's a guy so he wouldn't even try to remember an anniversary so insignificant and I'm not going to remind him. I'm also going to allow myself a couple more minutes of nostalgia then I'm going to do my level best to let it go. I'm not even going to wish he did remember and does feel the same twinge somewhere near his heart. I got enough of that going on for the both of us so why spread the pain? It is forever over and one day I'll forget the bad, then I'll replace the good with something or someone else because the world keeps turning and time keeps passing and people keep bringing new life and new joy and new pain. Time to move on.
I am still alive. Saw the therapist twice. She's leaving the state to - get this one - counsel returning soldiers for PTSD at an Army base. FML She set me up with a guy for next week. I'm canceling. I can cry at home for an hour for free.

Jake had a visitor last week. Who? Army recruiter. FML X 2 The recruiter suggested Reserves for Jake and for him to go to college. Not as bad as Mike's Marines who wanted him to sign up that day.

Met a new guy online. His name is Jim (I know) and he - wait for it - just got out of the Army. FML X 4 At least he isn't married. We talk writing. He likes my stuff. He hasn't shared any of his.

I made an okCupid account. I put up a real, recent picture. I've had several messages even though I haven't been back since and never put a single word up about myself. Either everyone is as desperate as I am to get on with some happily ever aftering or they're all sexual predators.

Or they were in the Army and heard how patriotic I apparently am. Yeah, that's got to be it. Work time *Hugs*
So yeah. That didn't work out. Oh well. What can you do?

The fact that I'm not that upset about it is very telling. I'm disappointed, sure, but I'm good. Of course, that's today. Might not be real enough yet or it might not have been that big of a shock.

I kind of knew already. I'm wearing my favorite Star Trek red "Expendable" shirt to clean today. I found it in a drawer when I was doing some clutter reduction. I've been getting more and more of that done lately.

Speaking of getting stuff done - later kids.

The world, it keeps turning

So yeah, it's been a month. That's how long I needed to pull myself out of my woe is me. Things haven't changed much. I'm still waiting for the bank to take their heads out of their collective asses. I'm not concerned about the mortgage because I need a new roof (that's another WTF, previous owner? that I'm not even going to bother with explaining). If the bank wants my house, there's places to rent for less that I won't have to repair all the time. I'm just going to keep paying my bills and see where the wind takes that. It's supposed to storm pretty bad later so maybe the wind will Literally take the problem away.

In the social part of my life (not love life because not going there for a while), I've been chatting politics with an Anthropologist in Romania. He's also trying to improve my French and tutoring me on all things comic book. I'm tutoring him on where the sun is sunniest and sand is loveliest for vacations. He really needs to lighten up and let go. It's new and I'm not sure what his angle is yet.

Of course my life would be considerable less chaotic if I wasn't always trying to analyze people and their angles. Curse you, Purdue University, and your fucking Psychological Studies program. If I want to analyze people I should suck it up and finish my degree so I can legally tell people to skip off to namby-pamby land and find some self confidence, jackhole.

I'm still only down 40 pounds, but that's because I'm getting all muscle-y and shit. I'm down three pants sizes and none of my clothes fit. I un-earthed some of my old bras. My fear of my boobs dissolving before my ass gets down to a less ginormous proportion has been laid to rest. I'm down two band sizes, but up a cup. Look at these bad boys, my man.

I've managed to get my sister to back off on her match making. She no longer drags me to Bingo, but she's still pressuring me for karaoke. The evil older sister who spent the first fifteen years of my life telling me I couldn't sing (she stopped torturing me when she had kids of her own to torture) is trying to get me to sing. I can't sing. Anyone who has ever gone anywhere with me where Captain Morgan was involved can attest to my lack of singing voice. How making a complete jackass out of myself will attracted a barely literate drunken backwoods redneck to fall madly in love with me is beyond my comprehension. Then there's the obvious problem with me and my aversion to barely literate drunken backwoods rednecks to contend with on top of that difficulty. I'm doomed. I'm all David Banner like that. (see what I did there?)

With the exception of my politically passionate Romanian, I'm avoiding being social on my favorite game site. There's so much childish, back-stabby, middle school popular girl fighting going on by people far older than me that it's not worth my time or effort. I told my...I don't know what to call him...ex-special friend?... there happy birthday a month ago and haven't spoken to him since. I saw one of those rude cards on Facebook that actually had some resonance with me. I miss the person he pretended to be, but I'm getting over that. I may be completely over it, but I don't want to devote any more time to navel gazing over that or him. I've tried apologizing for slights real and imagined to a couple of people over there, but it just ended in gigantic hissy fits and bullies pretending to be victims. Evidently you can get to fifty without ever moving past the cool kids in the lunchroom mentality from junior high and when someone treats you as an adult and tries to resolve a conflict in a respectful way, it's threatening. Who knew?

Work is work. I've been writing more, but am reluctant to send anything off. I need a confidence boost and I can't seem to find one. I got knocked pretty far down the self-esteem ladder this winter. Since I've been to the bottom of that ladder, i know it's possible to get out, but I'm still not high enough to take a chance. I'll keep climbing.

I've been reading posts, but not responding. I'm sorry, friends, but like I said, I'm still working on getting myself positive. It's selfish, I know, but I don't have much positive to spare these days. If this says anything, i was really stoked that I got my oil changed the other day. It meant that I did more than drag myself out of bed to go to work and the gym. It was a baby step toward being a better friend to all of you (that may not make sense to anyone but me, but it's true).

Back to the house, I also planted some bulbs and three bushes and mulched the bejezus out of my flowerbeds. The yard got pretty ratty when I was recovering from my surgery last year. Not going to be the ugliest house on the block again this year. Unless my roof blows off then I'll be back to square one. I bought a new lawn mower because Jake said the old one was broken. My dad came over and it took him all of two minutes to fix the old one. Now I have two working lawn mowers. Maybe if I keep getting stronger I'll be able to handle one of those monsters myself. Don't hold your breath.

I haven't seen Mike since Christmas. I've gotten lots of texts from the ex wondering how I managed to live with Mike for nineteen years without killing him. I just explained that after living with him (the ex) for almost ten years, Mike was a walk in the park. I think they have it tougher because they are EXACTLY alike temperament wise. You always clash the hardest with the person who embodies all the things you dislike about yourself. Jim recently admitted that I was a saint for not stabbing him to death in his sleep instead of just divorcing him. I'd say maturity brings wisdom in his case, but he's getting married again to the next door neighbor of the woman he dumped two days after Christmas without warning. I should get life insurance on him now before he moves back to the 'hood.

Jake is staring in "The Iliad, The Odyssey, and All of Greek Mythology in 99 Minutes or Less" next month. I really can't wait to see it. He comes home and tells me about the ad libs they're putting in and how much fun they're having. He's already memorized all his lines. I'm not even sure how many of the characters he's playing, but i know Zeus and Achilles for sure. It should be awesome.

I've been writing this for an hour. I really need to get some work done before somebody notices I haven't moved a single piece of paper on my desk for an hour. Thank you for all the support and understanding on my last post. It helped me more than you can possibly imagine even though I was too down to respond to each of you the way I wanted. *HUGS*

Okay, yeah, I suck

I was doing so well with the writing every day thing. I wish I could say I screwed up because I was doing other more productive things, but no. Well that's not entirely true...no, it's true. I didn't do much productive.

I wrote a tiny bit on a new WIP. I abandoned my NaNo, but I really want to go back to that. Maybe if I can get myself together tomorrow I will. I didn't do enough to justify not writing here.

I did write a few posts that were just for me so if there's something you can't read, it's not you. Some things I need to write down for me and no one else. Remember the old axiom? Write for yourself first? That's what I was doing. Okay, no, I wasn't. I was bitching, moaning, whining, and woe-is-meing, but it was healthy so go me. It helped me work out a few things in my head and my heart. I've got some more things to work out so expect the locked posts to be more multiple than these happy roller coaster rides.

I went to church a couple of weeks ago for the first time since God was sneaking cigs back behind the bleachers in high school (not that long ago, but might as well have been). I signed up for a weight loss class. I overslept last Sunday. I went to the weight loss class. I discovered the most yummy mint chocolate ice cream flavor in the history of woe and damn. OM fricken G. So good. No, not on the new diet. It's the first week. It was just one bowl and it's been a long ass week. As Scarlett would say I'll think about that tomorrow. I lost 25 pounds between December 1 and last night. I'm ahead of the game. I'm not sure it's going to work out. This guy wants me to stop drinking Diet Coke. Yes, I did ask him if there were any medications that he was on that I should know about or if he'd like suggestions of some I think he would find beneficial. You can have my Diet Coke when you pry the empty can from my cold, dead hands.

I have a massive to do list for tomorrow. I figure I'll sleep in, Just thinking about it makes me tired.

One of my lovely coworkers informed us that he has Influenza A. He has a nice face mask to keep others from getting infected. Evidently the face mask is retroactively effective because none of us could have possibly caught his germs any other days of the week that he's been sneezing and coughing over every surface in the building. No, I did not get a flu shot. Every time I get the flu shot, I get the flu and end up delirious in bed being forced to watch a Harry Potter marathon by Jake. I just recently started going days at a time without the little bastard from popping up at every turn. I'm not inviting that madness back again. If any of you hear that I'm sick and that I'm at Jake's mercy again, please, kill Titus.*

I'm still mulling over my vacation plans. I'd like to take the next three weeks off, but that would make for a very long year. Also my boss knows where I live since he had to come get me when my car was in the snow drift. I wouldn't get any peace at home. I may take a week the first of February or maybe a week in March.

Happy news! Mike broke up with his girlfriend so she will not be moving in with him and his dad. Honestly, I just cannot even begin to fathom any of that. What the hell were all three of them thinking? Just to keep you up on all the drama, the ex is now dating his ex-girlfriend's next door neighbor. Oh yeah, I married that. If I could go back in time, I would shake myself until young me's eyeballs popped out. What the ever loving fuck was I thinking? Oh yeah, I wasn't. Freedom is sweet.

Anywho.... All things considered, I'm doing pretty good. It might be the ice cream talking, but I'm feeling mellow tonight. I might find a good book on my Kindle and snuggle up with a dream. Good night, friends.

*You mean to tell me you haven't seen Christopher Titus's Comedy Central special? You poor, sad soul.


So yeah...this is happening

I am going to go to church this weekend. I don't know what church I'm going to go to, but yeah. Why? Because it's time for me to stop living alone in a cave and it was either a church or a bar. Lesser of two evils I think is the church. I've tried the internet things and they have some success. I've met some interesting people. I've made a really good friend. I've met people I have a lot in common with, but they tend to live hell and yon away from here.

My goal for 2013 is to make more good friends and maybe find someone in my vicinity that I have a lot in common with who doesn't mind cats, mutantly large children, and a mutantly large dog. It's a little scary. I've recently been made to face the fact that I do in fact have a heart and not a broken block of ice in my chest I thought was there in its place.

Plus church is free and I've gone and got myself into mortgage trouble again. Free is the only thing in my price range at the moment. I may be looking at moving home with the parents if a miracle doesn't happen soon. I'm working with my lender, but the furnace debacle may have put the final nail in the coffin. I need all four paychecks for this month by Tuesday or my lender to let me make my December payment only and the January payment in two weeks. Neither are going to happen. I'm trying to renegotiate a better payment plan with my lender. I need to get all the paperwork together and write a letter explaining everything. Since I have a valid reason they may be sympathetic. Here's hoping.

Working tomorrow as per January. Gotta do the year end taxes and run W2s. Maybe I can get my taxes filed and they'll send me twice as much as I should be getting just because they like me. Yeah, that'll happen. With Mike gone I have no idea how that will move the needle on my refund amount. The new furnace gets an energy credit! Woot! Woot! Okay, no. I didn't need the exclamation points, but I'm trying to be peppy and up. Go with it.

Time to get back to work. I have done next to nothing today and didn't really have any fun to speak of to explain the lost time. Have fun, kids. I'm going to try too.

What the day may bring

I started my day way too early and still managed to get to work late. Not complaining though. Why? Because EVERYBODY at work has that one covered. I couldn't get a word in to complain if I wanted. I know what the day at work is going to bring - lots of bitching and moaning to the one person who can't do anything about any of it namely me. Oh well.

Let's see what else... eye doctor on Monday. Work today and tomorrow. Still no vacation plans to look forward to yet.

You see this is why I don't post every day anymore. Day to day life is so... day to day. Unless I have something to bitch about or wax rhapsodic about, I'm dull as watching paint dry.

I went to bed super early last night. First time in a while. I only woke up twice and the second time I stayed up. One bad dream surrounded by a lot of good ones so not complaining. What were my good dreams? Buy the book when (if) it comes out.

Boss came to work so maybe I'll be more interesting later. If not, see you tomorrow *snaps fingers, stomps floor, and turns around 3 times to ward off jinxing herself*
I almost got out of the habit of writing every day already! I'd say I suck, but I'd be lying. Anyway as of this minute I'm not out of the habit. I got up late this morning and contemplated staying home so ever since I decided to drag my ass into the office everything has been taking longer to get done.

I've snapped out of my funk somewhat. I'm just really really really tired. Stayed up too late last night and the night before and the night before. I know, but if I put parental controls on my computer I'll just bypass them. I'm all R2D2 that way.

Everybody's been posting about love on Facebook. A friend from high school keeps posting stuff like this:

Find someone who isn't afraid to admit that they miss you. Someone who knows that you're not perfect, but treats you as if you are. Someone who's biggest fear is losing you. Someone who gives their heart completely. Someone who says "I love you" and means it.
Last but not the least, find someone who wouldn't mind waking up with you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles and your gray hair but still falls in love with you all over again.

It's not about what happened, it's about how what happened changed you. Did you grow from the hurt or did you give up? Your pain can be your oppressor or it can be the fuel that propels you into your destiny.

and this:
Picture pagesCollapse )
Add to that my brother - my own brother who's on his 29th chemo round and had good scans last week sorry I didn't post that earlier - posted this little gem:
Can you believe this?Collapse )
Other people have been posting this lovey stuff too. All within hours of each other. Where did the month of bitter cold between Christmas and Valentine's Day go? And also where have I put my tin foil hat? Love's never treated me kindly and all these reminders so close to the loviest, doviest of days has really thrown me for a loop. The people posting this stuff don't know each other. They only have me in common. It's creepy.

I stayed up way too late last night contemplating the universe and how it likes to fuck with me. Yeah, i said it and I'll use more dirty words if I want to - you know just don't tell my mom.

Back to work for me. Please feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

Of damsels and distress

I'm going to get in trouble for this, but all women are damsels in distress. We've all got something we can't handle on our own. We've all got things we can't do without assistance. We all need a white knight to save us at some point. It's not big things all the time. My distresses are mostly to do with high shelves and spiders. Or at least those are the ones that happen day to day.

Our first white knight is usually our daddy. Sometimes it's mom, but for me it was always if there's a problem dad will fix it. As we grow older then the knight role shifts to mom for emotions and the T.M.I. about our bodies that nobody wants to read about. Then there's that dreamy guy on the football team, then the musician who looks like 50s Elvis in the leather jacket, then the geek who thinks it's cool we like Star Trek. They drive us around in there car. They open doors. They takes us to dinner and a movie. They make the mean girls jealous.

Then there's the most important thing we want them to do. We want them there to save us from some part of ourselves we can't face on our own. That's right. They save us from some part of ourselves. Problem is they're men (in my case - I know there are those that prefer women in shining armor, but I gotta go with what I know). Men only see the surface distress. They only see us struggling to get the Special K off the top shelf. They only see us standing on a chair screaming "Thomas! Thomas! There's that mouse again!"*

Now there are levels of self doubt that range from the pouting to full on heatbreak. When it's a box on a shelf or a spider coming along and sitting right down beside us, eventually we can get ourselves up to the challenge. We doubt our choices in jobs, cars, places to live, school, kids, everything. Sometimes though it involves our special Lancemealot and that is the worst kind. It gets in our heart and roots around in there looking for the most tender spots, replaying every single time mom told us to be careful or we'll get fat and no one will ever love us. The other dragons we can control, but when it comes to whether or not we should order the crazy cat lady starter pack, it gets bad. We can't control it and we need that white knight and he, being a man, can't understand what the big deal is.

They can't see us doubting ourselves. They don't see that once they make us feel special they need to keep making us feel special or make us doubt we were ever really special at all. That self doubt is the biggest dragon of them all and unfortunately it's only visible to the damsel and not the knight until it's too late. It's a stealthy fucker that will eat your white knight before he gets his loins girded.

The reactions have different levels to from "I think you take me for granted" to "I hate you! I hate you! You pig!"** Most of the former take place after you're used to knights missing the point. The latter take place mostly (god willing) in teens and twenties when EVERYTHING is srs bizniz.

Now I know how to get by without a white knight. I don't even want one around leaving his dirty socks on the floor and the toilet seat up on a daily basis. I'm good on my own. Women are strong and powerful and they can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan without any help from Charlie or taking time to make anyone feel like a man.*** They're nice to have though even when they leave dirty socks on the floor. They're warm and they're cuddly and they have the power to turn frowns upside down when our egos need a stroke. They can make us feel like we're special when the world drags us down.

It feels good to be special. It's addicting. It's powerful. It's vulnerable and let's that doubt dragon off the chain when the white knight is playing XBox instead of asking how was your day and do I smell bacon? The doubt creeps in and we start wondering if he ever really wanted to save us in the first place. We start thinking we were just another mission of daring to add to his legend. We start wondering how many other damsels jumped on the back of that steed and said let's ride, cowboy. We wonder if that playlist is on several other damsel's iPod because it works every time. We believe we were too easy or not easy enough. We analyze. We cry to our other damsels and ask if our bacon is too crisp or not crispy enough.****

Sometimes I think I'm the dragon. That's a dangerous prospect with white knights running around. Caring is like handing the knight Excalibur and drawing a target on my heart. Maybe that's all our problem. Maybe the dragon doesn't eat the knight but we give him the tools to gut us then wonder why he did it. When I started this little treatise into being vulnerable it didn't occur to me that maybe we're the architect of our own destruction, but if you think about it it makes sense.

That said, we can't stop flying around handing out swords. We can't stop caring. We can't stop being vulnerable. We just need to pick our white knights more carefully. I'm also thinking I need, personally, to stop being so hard on the knights who have failed me and more importantly stop being so hard on myself. The knights didn't fail. They hit the mark I painted for them. I need to figure out how to keep my dragon in check so I don't get slain anymore while still not hiding in my cave all the time.

Also I need breakfast. All this bacon talk....

*If you didn't watch Tom & Jerry as a kid, you should sue your parents for neglect
**If you haven't seen Soapdish, you're neglecting yourself
***A commercial! Geez you kids need to learn your 70s and 80s pop culture
****No, I didn't eat breakfast. Why do you ask?

Tis the season to be tired

Yay. Tax season. Not doing taxes this year. I mean it this time. I'm going to get "NO" temporary tattooed on my forehead. Hell I may even have someone else do mine. Okay. Okay. I know. I won't try to lie like that again...for a while.

Boss hasn't shown up yet. He may not be in at all today. Here's hoping.

I got some house clean-y like stuff done yesterday. I may even start clearing out more of the dead weight blocking the feng shui in the basement. Yes, I did get new meds and I've been taking them for a change. Why do you ask? Time release, baby. Oh yeah. Amazing what going to a real doctor can do for a body.

I haven't decided what to do with myself this year aside from drag my ass out of bed and go to work every day. I need something to look forward to, but as usual budget is tight. I'm taking my three weeks of vacation this year if it kills my boss. Last year I used them for letting the real doctors practice using their claw machine and the year before that was the I'm on a MF'n Boat Birthday Cruise. Maybe I'll take one of those of my own. July in the Caribbean isn't always a fun place to be though. Plus there's that whole "no money" thing going on.

Jake wants to go to the ocean and let's face it so do I. Maybe Virginia or a Carolina? And what would we do with the Peanut? Cats are easy - auto-feeder, auto-waterer, clean litter box and set. I left Peanut outside during my lunch hour once and she chewed the spindles out of the back porch stair rail in protest. Smart dogs are a blessing and a curse. My sister would love to have her, but I might not get her back. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one.

Everything's up in the air right now including me. I wonder if the fall will be worth the thud when I hit the ground.

Yeah. Probably.

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